Where's my cake?

I want to smash my face in it, cry, then have a nice long nap.

Why?

We're 1 today!!And that's what 1 year olds do on their birthday.

Well, technically tomorrow, but the party's today. One year olds have no clue that it's their birthday so it doesn't really matter when it happens. All they see is cake, lots of weird people, and shiney wrapping paper.

There are lots of weird people around here (we love our commenters, tell your friends) and are much too distracted by shiney things. My last attempt at cake was an epic fucking fail (don't worry, I'll post it soon so you can laugh and cringe too) so we're going to have to wait a couple weeks for Taneasha to make one.

When Taneasha told me we'd made it a whole year (see, totally oblivious, may as well be a toddler) and warned me it was closer to my post day than hers, my first thought was to do a "clip show" post, but she'd already done that to cover my ass over the holidays. Crap. Okay, fine. The first year is always full of firsts, new things learned, and first attempts at things that really need practice.

Here's what I've learned:

1) Preheat the fucking oven. This is where the shiney paper effect comes in. We get all excited about the prospect of making cookies; we sift, we cream, we add moar choklits! and then when we go to bake them, we have to sit for 15 minutes staring at a wall while the oven warms up. It's like a time out for naughty bakers.

2) Kitchen timers are your friend. When the recipe says bake the cookies for 13 minutes, they're not kidding. Granted there's a bit of leeway, but really, they don't need 17. Four minutes is a long time for cookies to be at 350 degrees. Plus, when you're trying to prove that it really is possible to make dinner in 20 minutes, it's nice to watch those last few seconds count down as you take your first bite.

3) Beginners luck is a fickle bitch. The first time I made hollandaise sauce (years ago) it came out awesome. I've never been able to make it quite the same since. But this is not always how things go. Sometimes it takes a couple tries to get a recipe right. Sometimes no matter how many times you try the recipe just won't come out right. Yes, there have been times when we've posted first attempts, but we've done it for a reason. We're here every week writing up recipes, acting like we know what we're doing, but really, we're just trying to feed ourselves and our families something other than cereal for dinner. Shit happens, some recipes suck (I fully expect that sometimes the stuff that works in our kitchens won't work in yours and that's okay). Sometimes you get it right on the first try, sometims you don't. Sometimes you never will. And if you don't, there's always cereal for dinner.

4) Tinfoil is the only thing that will stop guacamole from turning brown.

Taneasha here.  This looked like so much fun, I decided to jump in too.  Here are some things I've learned in our first year. 

1) Putting together a post will always take 3 times longer than you think it will.  I don't know how many times I've gone into the kitchen thinking, "Oh, this will only take me 30 minutes or so."  2 hours later, flour in my shirt and hair and butter all over the camera, I finally have the food cooked and the pictures taken... but haven't even started on picture editing and actual post writing. 

2) Don't make something for the first time for a post.  Ok, obviously I haven't really learned this because I still do it, but it's really not a good idea.  It has a habit of turning into chaos. 

3) Cooking is going to be messy.  There's just no way around it.  Almost without fail I'll need something from across the room while whisking batter.  Also without fail, I'll let the whisk rest against the side of the bowl, checking to make sure it's stable, but as soon as I turn my back, the thing falls out of the bowl, flinging batter much further than physics should allow.  Things are going to spill, drip, and boil over.  It just happens, and it's ok.   

Ok, back to Seeley.

There are also a couple things I'd like to post about again.

Chicken Picatta. This was a first attempt. I was totally winging it to the point that I didn't even know how much of each ingredient I used. I've made this a few times since and really want to post an actual recipe for it. Plus, it's way (like way) way better with basil than parsley.

Smoothies. While this wasn't a first attempt, it was a bit of a half-assed one. I want to do a bit more with them and show some of the actual fruit combinations that are tasty, rather than just telling you to dump a bunch of fruit in the blender for a while. But hey, at least it wasn't just cereal for dinner.

Pizza. I've shown you the quick and easy pita version, now I want to try the real thing. On real dough. With yeast. One of these days I'm going to make dough that actually rises. I swear I can feel the poor little yeasties dying. I kill them with my bare hands.

Well, I guess this did turn out to be kind of a clip show. But at least I can prove that I learned something in the last year. I sure didn't learn much calculus. No, seriously, someone show me how to take the partial deriviative of a multivariable function. Anyone? Bueller?

So tell us... what would you like to see us make in our second year?

Punt the Velveeta for a Super Bowl of Queso!

That’s right.  It’s Super Bowl time again.  Even though Hubby’s two least favorite teams will be playing, I have a feeling we’ll still be watching it, regardless of how much he rants about the Patriots.  Yes, we live in Massachusetts, and my husband hates the Patriots.  And although he also hates the New York Giants, his favorite team is the Jets, who are also from New York.  I don’t really get it.  I have a feeling it has a lot more to do with uniform colors than anything else.  Anyway, enough about the sport, let’s talk food.  More specifically, let’s talk Chili con Queso… or more commonly known as just Queso.  I have to admit that I love the stuff.  Warm, creamy, spicy, cheesy, what’s not to love, right?  I’ll answer that for you.  Velveeta.  Velveeta is a creepy, ‘cheese food’, product that requires no refrigeration and never goes bad.  Honestly, I’m surprised it even works as fish bait.  Unfortunately, probably every queso you’ve ever eaten was made from it, or something very similar.  Well, no more.  I wasn’t sure I could actually make a dip that would have the same creamy consistency using real cheese, but I did, and it is amazing. 

Here’s what you’ll need:   

18 oz. grated cheese (about 5-ish cups)
1 ½ cups whole milk
2 – 3 jalapenos, diced
½ onion, diced
2 – 3 tomatoes, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced (about 1 Tablespoon)
2 Tablespoons butter
2 Tablespoons flour
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoons chili powder
½ cup cilantro, chopped
¼ cup sour cream

The first thing you’ll want to do is dice everything up.  Then, in a sauce pan over medium low heat, melt 2 Tablespoons of butter and throw in your jalapeno and onion. 

Sprinkle over the salt, pepper, and chili powder. 

Stir the mixture and allow it to begin to sweat off some of its liquid.  After about 5 minutes, stir in the garlic.

Continue to cook the mixture for another 5 minutes or so, stirring frequently.  While it’s cooking you can go ahead and grate the cheese.  It’ll be much easier to do if you put it in the freezer for 15 minute or so first.  It’s very important to grate your own cheese for this.  The pregrated stuff doesn’t melt as well.  It’s also important to use cheeses that melt very easily.  I used about equal parts of Monterey jack and mild cheddar.

Once the vegetable mixture has cooked down and everything is mostly soft, add the diced tomatoes. 

Stir them around just long enough to cook off some of the moisture.  About 2 minutes.  Sprinkle the flour over the top of the mixture. 

Stir it in until it is completely incorporated and you no longer see any dry flour.  The mixture will be thick and pasty. 

Cook it for about a minute, stirring constantly, and then pour in the milk. 

Stir until the mixture become thick and creamy and comes to a boil.  You might need to increase the heat a little for that.  Once it’s come to a full boil, turn off the heat and throw in the cilantro.

Stir that in and allow the mixture to cool slightly before beginning to add the cheese.  There are two very important rules you need to follow in order to ensure you’ll end up with a nice creamy dip and not an oil clumpy mess.  First, it CANNOT be boiling when the cheese goes in.  Second, the cheese has to go in very, VERY slowly.  You want to add maybe ¼ cup at a time. 

Then stir it in and allow it to fully incorporate before sprinkling in the next addition.  If you have strings like this,

It’s not ready for another addition yet.  It should be smooth and creamy, with no stretchy, stingy, anything.  If the mixture cools too much, you might want to turn the burner back on to a very low heat, but be careful.  If it gets too hot, it will turn grainy and will eventually break.  If at any time, you start to see it becoming a grainy texture, remove it from the heat immediately and stir in a couple of ice cubes and a tablespoon of milk.  If you’re lucky, that will save it for you, but no guarantee.  Remember, low and slow is your friend here.  Continue to stir in the cheese until it’s all incorporated completely, then add the sour cream. 

Stir that in.  The heat will slowly allow it to melt and disperse into the mixture.  There you have it.  Creamy, delicious queso made without using any processed, cheese food product.  If you have a way to keep it warm at a very low temperature, that will keep the consistency the best.  If not, just cover it and serve it in small portions that can be eaten before it cools completely.  Serve with your favorite tortilla chips. 

Creamy, slightly spicy, and delicious.  The perfect accompaniment for the Super Bowl.

So, Pats or Giants?  Who are you rooting for?