hooker noodles!

Because if you've only got 20 minutes to make dinner, you are obviously some kind of prostitute.

If you've seen as many gangster movies as I have you know that "putta" is some kind of insult. Well, that's because it had the same root as puttana, which means bitch, or whore, in Italian. And Pasta Puttanesca, so named as "in the style of the whore" was rumoured to be called such because it could easily be made in the few minutes a woman had between clients. Yeah, well, I've only got a few minutes between work, school, and homework. (I promise I will not go into feminist rants about dichotomous representations of women as either the madonna, who apparently had hours to cook 4 course meals every night, and the whore, who obviously needed something a little faster for dinner).

Pasta Puttanesca

What You Need:

• pasta, of whatever shape you prefer
• 1/4 c of muffaletta olive salad (stored in a pickled mixed veggies jar)

(OR

• 2 tbsp olive oil
• handfull of green olives
• garlic
• onion
• marinated artichoke hearts)

And

• 1-2 c cocktail tomatoes (or 1-2 normal size roma tomatoes)
• 1/2 c crushed tomatoes (or just more fresh chopped tomatoes)
• 1 c broth or wine
• 1/2 tsp Worchestershire sauce (or fish sauce, or a couple anchovies)
• 1 tsp capers
• handful of kalamata olives
• sundried tomatoes
• 1/4 c fresh basil leaves, chiffonaded

What You Gotta Do:

Okay, I totally did this in 20 minutes. Even set the timer to prove it. (bloody impossible to see, but it says 19 minutes, honest)

Get your water on for the pasta. If you cover the pot, it will boil faster.

In the large shallow pan, (makes for faster sauces because more surface area to cook on and to lose moisture from) over medium high heat, put your olive salad,

or if you don't have olive salad in the fridge (um, why don't you have olive salad in the fridge??) you're going to have to spend a few minutes chopping the olives and garlic, onion, and artichokes. Dump them all into the pan.

Dice the tomatoes, and use your thumb to squoosh out the seeds into the sink.

You can skip the squooshing step if you're okay with tomato seeds in your sauce, but I prefer it without. (If you had to chop artichokes and olives a minute ago, skipping the squooshing will probably make up some time)

Toss the tomatoes into the pan. Olive oil and other stuff should be just starting to sizzle.

Add the wine or broth. Somehow, I managed to run out of wine, so I had to use broth. One or the other or any combination of the two would work.

Now, I'm not a fan of anchovies, but I do have fish sauce handy for making Thai and Vietnamese food... (totally missed them in the ingredient pic)

I've also got Lea&Perrins. Worchestershire sauce is actually a reasonable flavour substitute for the anchovies.

If you used all fresh tomatoes, you can skip this step. If all you had handy was half a basket of cocktail tomatoes, add the crushed tomatoes now.

Okay, so the base of out sauce is in the pan simmering, and the water is boiling. We've got 10 minutes left on the timer (that one's a bit easier to see).

Get your noodles going. You can use any kind you like, but keep in mind that angel hair and spagettini are going to cook much faster than something like a penne. If you need the extra time, a bigger shape may be in order. I hedged my bets with farfalle, a smaller shape, but with that crimp in the middle that always needs an extra couple minutes to finish.

Dice the sundried tomatoes (you could leave these out if you need to save dicing time) and black olives, and shred the basil. Dump these into the pan along with the capers.

Once everything is in and simmering, use a couple minutes to put all the jars away and tidy a bit. Check the consistency of your sauce. If it's too thin, turn the heat up a bit to bubble off some of the liquid. If it's looking too thick, you can add more wine now (just pour a bit in from that glass you've got in your hand), or broth. Or, if you used the last of your broth in the first round, a bit of the liquid from the kalamata olive jar will work.

How much time is left?

1 minute! Holy hell I did it. I totally cooked hooker noodles in less than 20 minutes.... Farfalle. Needed the extra minute to get the crimp to doneness so I stirred the sauce a little. (really, this is just a bit of food porn)

Once the pasta is finished, drain almost all the water off. Dump the pasta and that last bit of water into the sauce. The starch in the pasta water, and on the pasta, will thicken the sauce a bit and take care of that extra water.

Toss it all together and then pour it onto a plate.

Top it with some freshly grated parmesan, and if you're feeling the need for something a little more substantial, serve with a bit of sausage. Sausage is the perfect accompaniment for hooker noodles.

This made enough for dinner for one (poor lonely hooker that I am) and lunch for tomorrow (because I may not have all this time between clients to cook).

Have you ever timed yourself making dinner? What's your fastest dinner recipe?

Kid food and bar food

Every parent needs chicken fingers. Needs. They are a staple food of everyone under 12 and everyone over 21 (or 18 if you live in a country were voting and drinking are allowed at the same age.)

There was a time when chicken fingers were a quick snack to have with drinks. A basket of them shared with friends and many bottles of beverages, and never enough plum sauce.

And then... The Boy.

Chicken fingers are now kid food to me. No longer do they conjure images of friends falling off stools and sticky floors covered in peanut shells... now I see high chairs and thrown french fries and ketchupy fingerprints. Okay, yes, sometimes grownups turned the french fries into projectile weapons, but I think you know what I mean.

Unfortunately, a lot of what's available to parents is highly processed and full of excess salts and fats.

Yes, they're fast and easy and mindless, but they're really pretty mindless to make from scratch, and kids can even help make them. And it can be done in the time it takes to preheat the oven. Preheat your oven to 375. Quick! Do it now! Before I forget!

Chicken Fingers

What you need:

• 2 chicken breasts
• 1/2 c flour
• 1 egg
• 1/4 c milk
• 2 c bread crumbs
• 1 tsp dried rosemary
• 1 tsp chili powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp pepper

If you're making fries too:

• a few small potatoes
• 1 tsp peanut oil

What you gotta do:

The fries take longer to cook than the chicken, so get them going first. Chop them any way you like. My dad's restaurant offered "silver dollar fries" and I loved them that way. The Boy is also enamoured with them, so that's what I make. (and here's the peanut oil that didn't make it into the ingredient pic)

Put the chopped taters onto a parchment lined cookie sheet and drizzle over the tsp of oil.

Alternatively, you could pour it into the palm of your hand. Rub the tiny bit of oil all over the potatoes. This is something kids can do. It's messy, squooshy and fun! A single layer works best for browning, but a bit of overlap is okay.

The potatoes need about 40 minutes total, so give them about a 20 minute head start on the chicken.

First thing to do with the chicken is the bread crumbs. If you don't already have some in the freezer (toss heels of bread into a ziplock bag and every once in a while toss them all into the food processor and you'll have a ready supply of your favourite bread crumbs always on hand) break up a few day old slices into the food processor and whiz for a few minutes.

That thing is freaking loud!

Seriously, if they were running this thing at work, hearing protection would be required.

Add the seasonings to the crumbs and give it a few more seconds to get them all incorporated, then transfer your seasoned crumbs to a large zip bag.

Break the egg into a shallow pan (pie pan works best) and mix in the milk.

Spread the flour onto another shallow pan or plate.

I like to beat the shit out of my chicken before I slice it.

The bottom of a pyrex measuring cup works nicely to flatten the breasts to a uniform thickness.

Slice into strips or chunks or a combination thereof, depending on whether your kid is demanding fingers or nuggets.

Here's where it's handy to have a helper.

With one hand only pick up a strip of chicken and drop it in the flour. Roll it around until it's completely covered. This is called "dredging".

Then plop it into the egg/milk mixture and roll it around until it's all wet. I don't know that there's an actual term for this. I'm sure that if there is Recipe Guy will come along and tell me.

Now, get your helper to hold open the large zip bag that has the crumbs in it, and drop your dredged, wetted chicken strip into the bag.

Have the child shake it gently. Gently! What the hell dude, it's already dead you don't need to kill it again! Sheesh.

Keep going until all of your fingers are in the bag. The chicken ones, not your totally gooey floured and egged fingers.

Zip the bag shut and let the kid give it one last good shake, toss it up in the air, dance around with it, sing songs to it... while you wash your hands.

Release your beast, I mean child, from the kitchen and retrieve the chicken from the bag. If you've got the time and your kid isn't about to starve to death (tip: if they are feed them carrots or beans or some other fruit/veggie now while they're waiting for dinner, then you won't have to try to convince them to eat veggies when there are yummy chicken fingers and fries on their plate!) lay the chicken fingers out and let them rest for up to 10 minutes; this makes it less likely that you'll lose coating when you fip them or remove them from the pan.

Oh, this is also the ideal time to freeze these things. Lay them on a cookie sheet, freeze for a few hours, then pack them into a fresh large zip bag for future use.

If you've got potatoes on your pan already, just shove them off to the side to make room for the chicken.

Bake the fingers at 375 for about 10 minutes, then flip them and bake for another 10.

The dipping sauce that comes with these seems to vary by region. When I lived in Alberta, it was honey mustard, BC you got plum sauce, here it's some kind of augmented mayo that people call "honey dill sauce" (but really just seems like mayo and dried dill to me), the southern US is all about ranch dressing, and small children require nothing but ketchup. Lots and lots of ketchup.

What do you like to dip your chicken fingers into?