NO. MORE. MATH.
Well, at least, no more calculus. Well, no more calculus that I have to do by hand with no reference material, and sometimes not even a calculator. From now on, it’s just the everyday calculus we all do in our heads without even realizing it. No, really, you do! Every time you…
For fuck’s sake.
NO.
MORE.
MATH.
What there will be more of though is every starving student’s favourite meal (and the only reason we join clubs that meet after class around dinner time):
PIZZA!
But, of course, since this is Mayhem, we’re not doing the usual. Well, not yet. We just have to start off weird here because, well, that’s what we are.
Biscuits and Gravy, Pizza Style
Yup, I’m serious. Biscuits and gravy in a pizza.
I had no plans to do this wacky (and omfg tasty) mashup, but then I saw Taneasha’s first post and dude, it was on. It was mother fucking on. (ha! I made it 160 words before a fuck. Go me!)
The crust is basically just half a biscuit recipe, with only 1 tsp of baking powder.
The Crust
- 1 c flour
- ½ tsp salt
- 1 tsp baking powder
- 2 tbsp butter, cold
- 6 tbsp milk (give or take)
Stir the flour, salt and baking powder together in a bowl.
Cut the butter into the flour (otherwise known as ‘mash it in with a fork’) until there are no more big chunks.
Gradually add the milk one tablespoon at a time, stirring as you go, until the crumbly mass starts to come together into something dough-like. If you need more than 6, keep going, but if 6 is too much, you can make it less sticky by adding a tablespoon of flour.
Dump it out onto the counter and press it into a ball, disc, thing.
Roll that out into an amoebic shape that is nothing at all like Taneasha’s fucking perfect, round circle of crust. Holy shit woman.
Poke it a bunch of times with a fork – really, it’s only fun for the first few times, but you’ll manage – then … dammit, oven’s not hot. Preheat the oven now while you cook the sausage. Totally planned it that way.
Sausage Gravy
- 2 big sausages, of whatever kind you like (mine are Andouille, made in store, and a bit spicy, but whatever kind you want or have will work)
- 1 tbsp bacon fat
- 2 tbsp flour
- Salt and pepper
- ½ tsp garlic powder
- 1.5 to 2 cups milk
- Fresh thyme leaves
Remove the sausage from the casings, crumble it, and fry it up over medium heat until it’s got yummy crispy little golden bits in it. I recommend doing this in a pan that is not non-stick. You want the stuff that’s stuck to the pan. It’s tasty, and it will come up off the bottom after a couple more steps.
Your oven should be hot by now, so pop in the biscuit crust and bake it at 425 F for exactly 4 minutes. Hey man, she did it first.
Once it’s done, take it out and let it hang out for a bit while you finish the gravy. Also, turn up the heat on the oven as high as it will go: mine went up to 525 F.
Remove the sausage from the pan, leaving as many of the drippings behind as possible. Reduce the heat to medium low, and since sausage never leaves enough drippings, add the bacon fat. Once it’s melted, stir in the flour, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Whisk this around in the pan for a minute or so.
With a whisk in one hand and the milk in the other, slowly pour milk into the pan while you’re whisking. The brown bits from the bottom of the pan will be whisked in, and the gravy will immediately thicken. Just keep stirring. And keep slowly adding milk until you have a very thick gravy, almost custard or pudding consistency; this should take about 1 cup. And then add the thyme leaves.
Blob a few tablespoons of gravy onto the crust, spread them around, all the way out to the edges. You should still have lots of gravy left in the pan. This is a good thing.
Toppings
- Crumbled sausage
- Crumbled bacon
- 1 to 1 ½ cups shredded cheese: cheddar or a cheddar – jack mixture
- Green onion
- Thyme leaves
Spread your sausage and bacon on top of the gravied crust, then top with cheese.
You can put the green onions and thyme on now if you’d like, but I left mine off so I’d have a bit of sharp fresh flavour on top of the creamy cheesey sausagey biscuitness.
Bake in the hottest oven possible until the cheese is melty and bubbly, and the edge of the crust is golden.
While it’s baking, pour the rest of the sausage into the gravy and gradually add the rest of the milk until you have a nice gravy consistency. This gravy, you can use for dipping your pizza into, or for spreading on top of the pizza.
Once it’s out, decorate it with the onion and thyme (if you haven’t already) and serve with gravy!
Holy crap.
Why didn’t I think of this sooner??
Oh, right. FUCKING MATH.